What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

I know ,a lot about trauma.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

Have you made a female relative or friend squirt?

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

But, we were locked up after school.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

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Comes on , in middle age.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

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I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

He resisted the act ,that day.

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

Is Tinder the best dating app?

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

She wouldn,t have been !

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I waited trembling.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

He knew the spot.

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And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

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I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

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Ive learnt so much.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

How do police officers feel about the fear they instill into criminals?

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

I never cut or harmed myself..

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

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And who doesn’t know suffering?

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

I will be 64.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

Especially a lifetime of it.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

And i lived it daily.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

One cannot live in the past .

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

We all went to grammer schools

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

My family never makes their pension either.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

I said to her

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

My life is so biszare .

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

I was 9 years of age.

So whats the point in blame.

Im still living with it.

As i do to all so called friends.?

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

Would this be the day?

On the 31st of Jan this month .

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

This is soul school!.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

He was dying to do it , i knew.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

She loved him until the end.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

Im dying but, im not bitter.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

When she asked me how she looked .

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

She was in good health!

So, i spoilt her more .

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

But it wasn’t much.

It was going to be , some day.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

But ive been too sick for many years..

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

I could never make a relationship work though!

Put me off passion for life!!

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

The only rule us 5 kids had .

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

Who then, do I blame.?

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

She found it foreign!.

I was seconnd youngest,

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

We were not on the streets..

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

Was to survive, this bastard.

I was scared of men, in general

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

I write beautiful poetry .

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

She married twice! .

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

My mum and dad in the seventies!

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

I had hoped to write a book about this .

I couldn’t, believe it.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

I was very sick at this time too.

What did i know ?

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

All the time i was locked up.

I have no regrets .

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

I think the readers, may guess!

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

Why did i forgive my father ?

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

(And it was in our own minds.)

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

I don,t even have a pension.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!